Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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