I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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