i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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