I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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