Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You need a sexual gate keeper
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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