I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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