dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
