Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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