I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
