oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
