That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
