i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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