I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
