what is it with giant penises always finding me
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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