It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
