Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
