last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
