Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
