I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
