I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
