I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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