so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
