I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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