why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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