I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
