So drunk, too bad you don't want this
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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