god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
