News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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