I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
