I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
