**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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