I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
