New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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