I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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