OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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