can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
