ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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