Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
