Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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