I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
