I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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