When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
