What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
