he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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