I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
