I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I checked into jail on foursquare
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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