Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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