I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
