it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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