bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You left your phone here
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